On short notice, I stopped by a business associate’s house to pick something up for work and couldn’t help but notice she had no stuff out. No piles of mail, no piles of papers, no piles of shoes to go up stairs, no piles of screws and pins and parts to things. Admittedly, she could have cleared the counters with a sweep of her arm into a box hidden in the oven but I don’t think so. Am I the only one with stuff? No matter how many times I “organize” my stuff, I can’t keep up. I feel like Lucy Ricardo at the chocolate factory–the stuff comes in faster than I can put it away. I was beginning to feel inadequate, until I told myself that this is probably a genetic disorder. The way that I have coped with my dirty, “messy” little secret is that I know exactly what is in each pile except for when I need something. While I do crave the kind of organization featured in magazines, cool little bins lined up neatly in cubbies, there is an odd comfort in my piles. Writers are unkempt and a clean, neat desk doesn’t make me feel like a serious writer. So, my piles will remain as they are until such time that I have company. Then I shall stack all the piles in a corner and put a plant in front of them. Life is too short to be neat. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Most Mother’s Days I don’t think of my grandmother but maybe because I have a new grandson, she is on my mind. I didn’t really appreciate how different she was because she was the only grandmother I knew. I thought all grandmothers watched boxing, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, yelling at the minuscule TV screen for her guy to knock the other guy out. Outings with my grandmother (who made us call her by her first name, Laura) always included a six-pack in a cooler that she called her “Travelers.” Long before I was born, she would leave her four kids with her husband and fly down to Cuba to bet on the horses. She never made cookies but did fix elaborate Mexican dinners and then put all the dishes in the bathtub and made the kids wash them. She told jokes, wore spike heels to work at age 80 and never went out without make-up, fabulous earrings and perfectly coordinated outfits. I don’t wear spike heels, I’m lucky to find two pieces of clothing that work together and I’ve never been to Cuba but when I look at my newest grandson, I want him to remember me as the person I think I am–fun, spontaneous and willing to make a fool of myself if it makes him laugh.

Ever had a dream you just knew meant something to you but you weren’t sure what?  Dreams are how we think outside the box when our conscious minds can’t break out of conventional thinking. The man who invented the sewing machine couldn’t figure out how to make the needle work until he dreamt about invaders whose spears had holes in their tips. I wasn’t sure I could handle going to seminary until I dreamt that I found a door open to a big cathedral. Keep a pad and paper next to your bed and scribble down what you remember from your dreams. Gradually you will start remembering more dreams and details. If you have questions about your dreams, find a  therapist who does dream work to help you interpret them. Dreams introduce you to your unguarded self, guide you in decision making and deepen your self understanding.

I tried two new recipes this last week that were dreadful. One was my own and one was someone else’s. My husband and I managed to get them down but the rest went into the trash which is really absurd because while the food was on my plate I felt I had to eat it, but if it was in the pan, I could throw it away! But you know what was good about it? I tried something new. I suspended judgment and just went for it. Sometimes it’s good to be in a rut and sometimes it isn’t. I was fully engaged while I was cooking and felt a little more alive. I know, I know…it’s just a couple of recipes but sometimes that is exactly what we need–a change-up in some routine that makes us pay more attention to our everyday lives–lives which are often lived on auto-pilot. Maybe it’s taking another way home or buying a different brand of motor oil or watching a different news channel; sometimes just a little thing will do. It’s called conscious living and reminds us how many opportunities for deeper living each day offers us and what a gift each day is.

Once when my daughter was about six, she had been playing with some older girls who were being “mean” to her. She came in, as she often did, crying. As she stood there taking in deep gulps of air between sobs, I said what I had said many times. “Now honey, I’ve told you before, these girls are older and they are not good for you to play with. If you keep playing with them, you’re just going to get hurt.”  She stomped up the stairs and then stopped, turned around and put her little hands on her hips. Then she said angrily, “Don’t you know you’re just supposed to listen?” I have never forgotten that. She needed comfort and I gave her a lecture. She already knew what I was going to say–and that’s not what her little soul needed.  Next time someone is angry or upset, remember: You’re just supposed to listen.

When something is wrong in my life, I feel like I can’t be at peace until it is resolved in some way. Sometimes it means talking to the person that is involved, sometimes it means stepping back from the situation and giving myself some time to digest it. Ignoring it, however, is denial which only causes anxiety and makes the situation even worse. We deny what we feel because we are afraid that resolving the conflict will be so awful that we just live with it. When you think this way, you are selling yourself short. There is always more than one way to resolve conflict–the answer is usually not disastrous. Beginning a dialogue is the first step in resolving relationship issues, deepening your relationship skills and creating a more satisfying life. So take a deep breath and take a positive step…because how you relate always matters.

Who are you? Here’s a quick exercise in understanding yourself. Each day for the next 7 days write down–not think in your head–but write down, something you do well or that helps other people. Be specific–not,” I am kind,” but “I can not only tell when someone needs an extra word of encouragement, I seem to know exactly what to say. “This is not about bragging–this is about understanding the importance of your role in the universe. Everyone one is important– one missing screw can bring a jumbo jet down. You may not realize it because you only see yourself through your eyes, but your life is and will continue to be critical to many, many people. They need you–it’s important that you value yourself enough to be there.